


Closure

by Kravn



Category: Lost Girl
Genre: F/F, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-11
Updated: 2013-03-11
Packaged: 2017-12-05 00:50:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/716970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kravn/pseuds/Kravn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a one-shot showing Lauren’s POV after the battle with the Garuda.  The story continues after the victory celebration at the Dal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Closure

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t own Lost Girl or any of their characters. I just absolutely love the show.
> 
> I felt that the show never really addressed this aspect of Lauren’s life and I thought that the writers should have given her character some closure as opposed to leaving things up in the air and open to interpretation. This is my take on what could’ve happened and it continues from where Season 2 ended. 
> 
> (written 31 Dec '12)
> 
> Words in italics represent Lauren talking to herself.

I remember looking at Bo and feeling so proud of her. She didn’t want to be the Champion. She had so many doubts but she remained brave and resolute despite the odds and she proved to everyone, most especially herself, that she was able to defeat the Garuda.

Just then Dyson’s words replay in my mind: **“They are going to take a while to select a new Ash - now might be your best chance….. Run. Be free.”** Suddenly I have trouble breathing. I don’t remember leaving the Dal or if anyone saw me leave - I just needed out. Once outside, the cool, fresh air hits my face and envelops me; clearing my head a bit and helping me to breathe easier. I decide to take a short walk to help me relax and unwind. Maybe almost losing Kenzi and Trick affected me more than I thought?

I don't know how long I was walking or how I even got here – I didn't consciously plan on it; my feet just brought me of their own volition as if on auto pilot. But it was inevitable – I had to see her. It had been too long. I see her up ahead and slow down my gait as I approach. "Hi." I say softly. "I'm sorry that I haven't visited sooner. I wanted to but things have been really busy." _Wow, that was lame._ I shake my head at how hollow those words sound. "I know it sounds like an excuse but…" I stop in mid-sentence as there's really nothing that I can say to make it better. I suddenly feel weak and my legs buckle. I drop to my knees; the soft grass cushioning the impact, and I reach out to her; the marble gravestone smooth and cool under my fingers. "I miss you Nadia."  
  
The emotional and mental stress finally taking it’s toll on me – my guilt over my feelings for Bo while being with Nadia; watching Nadia grow ill, violent and experiencing blackouts and not being able to help her; the realization that she was possessed by the Garuda and having to watch Bo kill her to stop her suffering and from being his puppet; the aftermath of preparing Nadia’s body followed by the long days working in the lab to stabilize the Naga venom before battling the Garuda… and now being here at Nadia’s grave. I finally let down my walls - it was the only thing that was allowing me to do what I had to without breaking down. I bury my face in my hands and sob uncontrollably; my body shaking from the release.

Tears streaming down my face; my head bowed; I try to find my voice. “I am so sorry Nadia. I wish with all my heart that things were different. I didn’t want this for you. You didn’t deserve this – to have your life taken away from you; to have the Fae use you to get to me; to be a pawn for the Garuda…” My sobbing causes my voice to hitch in my throat. “At least we were able to stop the Garuda. He’s dead! He won’t be able to hurt anyone ever again not like how he hurt us… how he hurt you.”

The cemetery is quiet and peaceful as I suppose all cemeteries tend to be. I don’t know how much time passed as I knelt there crying - just that eventually I couldn’t cry anymore. I felt absolutely drained. I shift my position and sit cross legged to get more comfortable. I rub my eyes and wipe away the tears on my cheeks. Slowly, I let my fingers trace over the words engraved on her headstone as I absentmindedly start to talk. “I don’t know how much you remember from when the Garuda possessed you. I…. I wanted to tell you the truth from the very beginning but I didn’t know how." I sigh. "How do I begin to tell you that I became a slave to a race of beings, called the Fae - that as humans, we would consider them to be from fairy tales - so that I could have a chance of bringing you out of your coma? I didn’t want you to feel any guilt over my decision. I did it to save you and I would do so again. But to know now that both our lives were manipulated by the Ash so that I would be forever indebted to and be owned by the Fae? I am still coming to terms with that and I’m not sure what to do.”

I exhale and put my hands in my lap as I try to collect my thoughts. “You were the only thing that kept me linked to my past; to my humanity. I can’t describe how much I wanted things to be as they were – to be a normal person again and to be in a relationship with you. I had wished for so long that you would wake up and when you did, it was incredible.” I smile at the memory of Nadia awakening – it was a miracle and I was so happy and relieved. “But what I didn’t take into consideration was how much I would be affected. As I say this out loud, it seems foolish that I didn’t even contemplate how my being enslaved and walking away from everyone and everything that I knew – how that would change me as a person. But I honestly didn’t consider it – I just did what I had to, to save you and to be able to… function.”

 _How do I explain this?!_   “I know I was different. I wasn’t the Lauren you knew and remembered; and that the Lauren you woke up to seemed strange to you. But deep down the old me was there; I just had to stuff her down; bury her; in order to survive in the Fae world. I wanted things to go back to how they were before you went into a coma and I know that you did too. I just didn’t know how to get back there. I also couldn’t imagine what you were going through, knowing that you lost 5 years of your life and I wanted to be there for you. You were so strong and so positive despite it all. I don’t know if you did that for me or for you or maybe both.”

I look up to the sky and release a sigh as I try to figure out what to say and how to say it. “I’m sorry my thoughts are scattered. I never really got a chance to sort out my feelings and before I could talk to you, it... it was too late.” I take a breath before continuing. “Those five years with you in stasis - I had to adapt to not having anyone in my life for love, support, kindness, trust or friendship. I don’t say this to make you feel badly. I’m just trying to explain that I was so completely alone and as time went by, I grew to only depend on myself and to not need anyone. I had no choice – it’s what I had to do but in the process, I… I fell out of love with you. Please don’t doubt that I loved you because I did; my feelings just changed….”   _Dammit, just_ _say it._  I take a deep breath and exhale. “You probably suspected but never said anything. I... I really didn’t plan on this happening and it completely caught me off guard when I realized it but by then it was too late and I felt horrible… I still feel horrible… but I … somewhere along the way, I fell in love with Bo.”

 _There, I said it!_ The reality of finally speaking the truth has my thoughts and emotions all jumbled together, causing me to ramble. “I’m so sorry. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you. I met Bo and she was the only person since I was with you that showed me any kindness, concern for my wellbeing and respect. And she actually wanted my friendship. I didn’t realize how much I had missed that connection to another person because I hadn’t experienced it for so long. Then she helped me remove your curse and when you awoke, I fought my feelings for her. I tried to be faithful to you but emotionally, I wasn’t….”

 _God, this isn’t coming out right._  I run my fingers through my hair in frustration at my inability to express myself. “I’m sorry this is coming out wrong. For a doctor and a scientist, you’d think I’d be able to express myself better than this. But you always knew that when it came to talking about emotions and feelings, that I wasn’t the most eloquent.” I smile because I could picture Nadia nodding in agreement at this statement. However, my smile quickly fades and reality sets in again. I close my eyes and unconsciously focus all my sincerity and emotions into my words. I release the breath that I was holding and slowly open my eyes. With a clarity that I hadn’t felt in awhile, I say softly, “I am truly sorry Nadia. I really am. Everything I did was for you; even when my feelings changed, it was all still for you. I just wanted you to know that.”

I breathe a sigh of relief at my confession. “I don’t know if I will be able to visit you again. I have a decision to make – whether to stay or to run from the Fae.” I shake my head at the irony of it all. “Each choice has pros and cons of course. Right now, the Light Fae are without a leader so I could use this opportunity to escape and be free. The best case scenario is that by the time a new Ash is chosen, they would either have forgotten about me or not care that I’m missing. Worse case scenario is that they pursue me which would mean that I would be on the run for the rest of my life. Either way, it would also mean an end to my research on all things Fae related; and… it would mean leaving Bo.” _I would have to start over - new identity and life.  Would I be able to continue my work in medicine if I’m on the run? Would it matter if I can’t, as long as I’m free? And would I be able to live without Bo?_

I physically shake my head to get rid of my thoughts. “The other option is to stay and continue to be enslaved to a new Ash and not know how I would be treated - the new Ash could either be worse than Lachlan or more lenient like his predecessor, even though he was a conniving bastard. But it would mean that I wouldn’t be constantly looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life; I could continue with my research; and it would also mean that I would still be in Bo’s life.” _What is safer – the unknown life with a new Ash or being free? Why stay - is it for my safety, for science or for Bo?_

I momentarily close my eyes and wish that I could turn off my brain. “I honestly don’t know if I could function living a normal human life after my experiences with the Fae. But I am conflicted because I hate the fact that the Fae tricked and manipulated me into this life. Knowing what I know now, would my remaining enslaved to the Fae, change me like it did in the past? I made decisions for love and out of a sense of responsibility and it had drastic ramifications – do I do the same thing but this time for someone who may not love me? And regardless of whether Bo loves me, if I stay for her, would I grow to resent her?”

I laugh at the absurdity of discussing my predicament with you. But really, who else could I talk to about this? “I know you can’t give me any guidance or advice. I guess I just needed to hear my options out loud - saying it makes it real. I just have to make a decision.” I stand up and dust off my pants.  _It’s time to go._   The sun was setting; the red sky was breathtaking; and no one was the wiser that the world as we knew it, almost ended. I place my hand on top of Nadia’s gravestone one last time and softly whisper, “You will always be a part of me Nadia. Goodbye.”

I turn and walk away and in doing so, I feel as if a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Nadia was such a huge part of my life. My life with her before the Congo; my sacrifice; my life with the Fae; and my experiences over the last five years – it all made me the person I am today and it all linked back to Nadia. Saying goodbye felt final but in a good way, as if I was closing a major chapter in my life. What the next chapter has in store for me is a mystery but I don’t want to think about it right now. I was exhausted and needed to get some rest. Things will be clearer in the morning. Things normally are with the light of day.

 

FIN


End file.
